Hello. I need to vent. Don't know why I'm letting you know, no one reads this anyway. But, can't say I didn't warn you.
I'm becoming very happy with my routine, I'm eating healthier than I ever have, I'm looking great, getting strong. I'm falling in love with my body again. I am losing weight without trying because of trying to eat my best. But that has little to do with why I need to vent, though it has to do with a little.
First, I will start with work. I'm not enjoying it anymore. I love teaching, I have loved teaching. Art is in every part of me. I still get excited when I reach a kid and they light up with the desire to create! Don't get me wrong, there are still parents raising some wonderful children out there, and I applaud them. Please, don't stop doing what you are doing, you might be raising our future leaders that can save us all.
But I am growing weary. Some kids wear you down, suck the life out of you, and force you to focus solely on them, to babysit them. Honestly, I'd be lucky if it were only one. But it's not. It has become constant. Each class, I have several. They act so entitled. They talk to me like I'm their age. They try to boss me around. They are rude. They comment on my appearance, my clothes, my hair. They bad-mouth other adults. Drama. They talk back. They roll their eyes. They do not listen. I repeat myself until I am blue in the face and losing my mind. They don't like to color. They wish they were in gym (I DO TOO), their artwork looks like they did it in 5 minutes (they did). They have little to no imagination, they want me to do their work for them. I have to constantly get them back on task. I have to make sure they don't mess with anyone, break anything, throw anything, yell at the top of their lungs, slam the door, put water in the glue, slap others with rulers, draw on others with markers, leave a mess, playing on their cell phones, using foul language, skipping class, chewing gum, pull their pants up, showing cleavage, or eating, eating, eating, eatING, EATING (always
fucking eating!!). They don't care about anything. Trying to get them to care is a song and dance, and then, they still don't care, and I'm exhausted. I am worried if I don't get out soon, I may never want kids.......and this is middle school aged children, not babies. They should know how to act by now.
And on the eating. These kids get snacks everywhere, they are in the cafeteria, we hold "concessions"as a "fundraiser" twice a month. These kids eat crap constantly. No one even cares! So many of our students have diabetes, and are overweight and even obese. So are their parents. While on my own journey to be healthy, I've discovered so much about clean eating, and how many bad things are put in the processed food here in America. It's disgusting. But no one cares. In my eyes, the worst part is that I know, and I know I can't try to help, because no one will listen or care. In my heart, it feels like I know the cure for something, but they like the poison too much. I'm not a vegetarian, but you know the stereotype of the vegetarian talking to the meat eater having a hotdog saying, "Do you know what's in that?" Only I worry about all the GMOs, MSG, and other terrible chemicals in our food that is killing us. These kids, every class, have food in their back packs. And they don't ask if they can eat, they just do it. It. Drives. Me. Crazy.
I have been teaching for 6 years, and each year I swear they are getting worse and worse. In other words, it has yet to get better. There are always, always the ones I love and wish they would never move on to high school, but lately, that reassurance has not been enough. I have found myself dreaming of other careers, and having a different life with my husband and dogs. I want to move near my family and start a family there, and get the hell out of here. I tell you, I am sick of everything.
Even the adults around here. Everyone is so closed minded. Religiously. Racist. Homophobic. All the culture and world awareness, global issues, earth and animals that I cherish so much is replaced by narrow-minded people. The Obama jokes are a dime a dozen, but of course no one assumes for a second that I voted for "someone like him". No one different fits in. I don't fit in.
After discussing a few bad apples and making a joke about this being my birth control, today two of my co-workers were saying how I'll want kids and it'll be all different when it's my own. You don't fucking say? "You don't know, you could have a kid soon, you can't plan for it! I wanted to be 32, but I was 27 when I had mine!" So what. "I have a friend the same age as me (40 something) and she has a newborn and a second grader! But I have 3 and my youngest in is high school!" Well isn't that nice. FOR YOU. "She's so run down being that age with young kids!" Can I mention how I'm getting fit so I can run around with them? I won't be run down. "Well you don't know that!" YOU DON'T EITHER. I honestly couldn't even really say my own opinion! Not to mention that I've only been married for 3 fucking months, not to mention that I'm not ready for kids, not to mention my husband isn't ready either (he's 22), we live in a one bedroom apartment, husband is trying to finish college, we are trying to pay down debt, EXCUSE ME IF I WANT TO HAVE A FUCKING PLAN BEFORE I START SPEWING OUT BABIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Heaven forbid that someone in this hick-ass town have all their ducks in a row before they have a family. (Or be something other than a teen mom. Seriously, some of my 14 year old student's mothers are my age. MY AGE. I'm 28. Do the math....) And these co-workers of mine seem to only live for their precious children. I'm sorry I don't want to be a slave to my kids and only live for them. I'm sorry, I thought it was MY life. I'm not here solely to create kids and then be their maid and butler. No.
My point is, that I hate it here. I want to interact with people who have brains. I want culture. I don't want my kids to grow up here. I don't want to hear constant gay-bashing and racial slurs. I have a dream. Of equality. No chemical foods. No bratty kids. No judgement. People living differently, together, sharing, learning, becoming better as a community. Happiness. I want to find it. Only being at home, with my love and our dogs, can I truly be myself and be happy. But I can't stay here always. I'm ready for a change in scenery. In the mean time, I'll deal while saving money and planning for the future. Regardless of how I'm "doing it wrong".
I'm not a terrible person, I have been without seeing pure kindness in so long, kindness without expecting something in return, without agenda. I know it exists. I know I am not a dying breed. I know there are people like my husband and me out there. But they aren't here.
Anyway, that was my vent. I feel better. If anyone out there did read, thank you.
~elizabeth
